Common Ground at The Foot of The Cross — Karen Hart

The following speech was given by Karen Hart, director of Keys Ministry, to a convention of Lutheran Church, Missouri Synod pastors at Windom, MN in 2018. It is Monument Ministries’ great joy to share it unedited, by permission:

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My name is Karen Hart, and between 1990 and 2006 I was a licensed psychologist in Minnesota. I still retain my license from Minnesota, although I no longer have a therapy practice. For the last 12 years I have been the director of Keys Ministries, which is a program to help same-sex attracted, minor-attracted, and transsexual people overcome their issues. I am an alumna of the program; I used to be bisexual. 

COMMON GROUND AT THE FOOT OF THE CROSS

For the last 7 ½ years I have resided in Fairbury, Nebraska, where my husband is pastor of Faith Lutheran Church, which is affiliated with the Association of Free Lutheran Congregations. I have two grown sons: one is at Concordia Seminary in St. Louis, and the other is a junior at Concordia University in Seward, Nebraska.

My purpose is to provide the Church with the information it needs to most effectively carry out the Great Commission, especially in living and speaking a good witness to people with alternative sexualities. I shall have a few things to say about the genetic theories, which were never adequately proven, and then go on to discuss the developmental theories, which have never been dis-proven. I shall draw some conclusions about the implications for child-rearing and youth ministry. Most importantly, I will discuss the issues involved in the change effort, what the experience of change involves, and how the Church can be an agent of redemption in Christ. 

It is NOT my purpose to be political. It is almost impossible to discuss these issues without referring to political implications, but I do not believe the “culture war” will be won at the ballot box. I firmly believe that the Church must put spiritual concerns ahead of political concerns. It is more important to win souls for Christ than to defeat any group politically, and as long as we in the Church keep our priorities straight, the politics will take care of themselves. I hope to take a word of advice from the Apostle Paul and keep the focus on Jesus Christ and Him crucified (I Corinthians 2:2). 

First, let me define some terms so you all know what I am talking about. I use the term “same-sex attracted” to refer to people who experience themselves as attracted to the same sex, whether or not they actively practice the gay lifestyle. I use the term “minor-attracted adults” to refer to adults who are sexually attracted to minors, but who do not actively seduce or molest minor children. I use the word “pedophile” to describe people who sexually contact minors directly or through pornography. Same-sex attracted people can be divided into two groups: the gay homosexuals and non-gay homosexuals. The gay homosexuals are the ones who are in the lifestyle, identify themselves as gay, and say they are fine with it. 

The non-gay homosexuals are attracted to the same-sex, but for whatever reason, choose not to act upon their feelings. Some are married and committed to their families. Some have strong religious convictions. Some simply feel that homosexuality is opposed to the natural order of life. Despite what you may hear in the media, not all of them are conservative Christians. Some are Orthodox Jews, some practice other religions. Some are New Agers who believe that homosexuality is not in harmony with the forces of the cosmos. Some are atheists who believe that they would be happier if their sexuality were cooperating with the forces of evolution rather than against it, and that evolution could not possibly have caused them to be born gay. 

So how many non-gay homosexuals are there? The Sex in America survey (1) showed that 1.4% of women and 2.8% of men were essentially homosexual. It also found that from 10-16% of men had practiced homosexuality at some time in their lives and then given it up. That means that for every openly gay male you know, there are several other men who backed away from it. There is research that indicates that with increasing age, gay men are more drawn to become heterosexual (2).

With that in mind, what are the implications for the Church? Some of these non-gay same-sex attracted people may be in our churches, hoping to find answers. More importantly, they may be looking for friends: people who will listen to them as they share their struggles, pray with them, and walk alongside them as they work through their issues. 

I have noticed that people in church have a tendency to assume that the gay people they see on TV are typical. What we see on TV are often militant social justice warriors stridently insisting they are okay the way they are and that we should just accept what they say at face value. The reality is far different. In many ways they seem to be quite ordinary. Many of them come from a church background, and they know what the Bible says. But all they ever heard was the Law. If the subject of homosexuality came up, all they heard was condemnation, criticism, and even ridicule. They were left with the impression that their only option was to first “clean themselves up” by getting rid of their same-sex attractions before they could approach God. They never heard the Gospel. I will have more to say about that as I go along. 

But first let’s talk about the genetic research that led to the now common idea that homosexuality is inborn. I used to have to spend a lot of time debunking this theory, but I no longer have to do so. The American Psychological Association has come out with a statement that homosexuality is caused by the interaction of biological and environmental forces (3). I’ll unpack that a bit more for you shortly, but first I’d like to spend some time describing the research that led to the idea of a “gay gene”, because that belief has become mainstreamed, even while the evidence to support it never actually existed. 

In the early ‘90’s, two gay scientists, LeVay and Hamer, found some correlations between sexual orientation and brain structure. They had 3 possible theories. One possibility was that the structural differences were present early in life, perhaps even before birth, and helped to establish the men’s sexual orientation. A second possibility was that a gene influenced both brain structure and sexual orientation in the men. The 3^rd possibility is that differences in the brains arose in adult life as a result of the men’s sexual feelings or behavior (4). 

The is a third possibility is very likely. Brain tissue can be altered by sexual activity. Let me read a quote, “…differences in sexual behavior can alter the neurons that make up the nervous system and the brain…sexual experience can alter the structure of the brain, just as genes can alter it…” (5). In other words, the differences in the brains of heterosexual men versus homosexual men doesn’t mean homosexuality is genetic. Sexual experience by itself can alter brain structure.

I have been reading up on brain plasticity during the past few years, and over on the table you can see some books I have on the subject. The books are well-researched and quite technical at times, but here is the bottom line. Whatever issue your mind is focused on, neurons grow to encode whatever that is. When your mind is re-focused on a different issue, new neurons grow to encode the new issue. The Creator of the brain provided a way for the brain to make changes. We used to think that the brain was pretty much fixed by the time a person was about 20 years old – now we know better. This has implications for those who want to overcome ssa/ma/tx.

This gives rise to the question: does overcoming ssa/ma/tx result in an alteration of the brain structure of the overcomer? I think I know the answer to that question, but to my knowledge, no one is spending the research dollars to find out. 

The author of “The Brain that Changes Itself” denies that gay people can become straight, but he does leave open the possibility that sexual attractions can change. He points out that in a long-term marriage, people can continue to be attracted to each other even as they age. While two 20-year-olds who are getting married would never feel attracted to 50-year-olds, in 30 years they will feel differently. Their attractions gradually alter as they both age (6). I will be coming back to brain plasticity later.  

But back to Hamer and Levay, who themselves NEVER claimed that homosexuality was inborn. In their own words, “We knew that genes were only part of the answer. We assumed the environment also played a role in sexual orientation…” (7). Also, Levay himself has come out in support of an individual’s right to pursue change from gay to straight. Although he personally does not approve of it, he does acknowledge that it is possible and that others have the right to make such a choice. In his own words, “…I believe that we should as far as possible respect people’s personal autonomy, even if that includes what I would call misguided desires such as the desire to change one’s sexual orientation.” (8). 

Some of Hamer and Levay’s data contradicts the possibility of a “gay gene”. They studied nuclear families with two gay sons. What they found was that 36% of the gay brothers did not share the so-called “gay gene”. Some men with the so-called “gay gene” were gay while their brothers with the same gene were straight. Hamer and Levay’s research has never been replicated by other researchers (9). 

The American Psychological Association has gotten it right. There is no gay gene. No study has proven a genetic cause. No study that suggested such a possibility has ever been replicated. The researchers themselves are openly and proudly gay. Other studies have contradicted the Levay and Hamer research (10). The APA is also acknowledging that homosexuals have the right to seek therapy to change their orientation. I look forward to the day when truth wins out over political correctness.

So where did the idea of a “gay gene” come from? The media. They grabbed the idea and ran with it. Also, please be aware that not all gay people are on board with the idea of a gay gene. I have been told that there are pro-life same-sex attracted men who are fearful that parents will have their unborn children tested for the so-called “gay gene” and have the supposedly gay fetuses aborted. I do not have a written source to cite; I was told this anecdotally by someone from the headquarters of Minnesota Citizens Concerned for Life.

I keep referring to the interactive effects of nature and the environment, so let me tell you what the research shows. Two researchers found that for the average male homosexual, 10% is physical traits and inborn temperament, and 90% stems from an environment that chooses to respond unfavorably to the child (11 ). 

With that in mind, let us turn to the developmental theories, which have never been disproven. They have only become politically incorrect. I also need to inject a few words of caution. I have no wish to blame parents. There are gay people out there whose response to the developmental theories has been to loudly assert that they had excellent parents who did nothing wrong. I wouldn’t contradict that. At the same time, there are overcomers who are quick to say that they did come from backgrounds of great pain, and that the developmental theories helped to put their lives into perspective.

The developmental theories give people hope. If there is a path in, maybe there is a path out. People who want to help same-sex attracted people need to be aware that many of them come from backgrounds of pain. One reason same-sex attracted people are sometimes so defensive about the developmental theories is because those have been used to try to “prove” that they are mentally ill and should change. 

Telling people that they are “born that way” was supposed to be compassionate, but I often wonder how much hopelessness and despair that theory has caused, especially in young people who are sensing themselves as sexual beings for the first time. Young people these days are being told that if they experience same-sex attractions, there is only one path for them to take – the path into the gay lifestyle, and that they should like it. 

Parents are people too, and the Bible says we are all sinners. We all need to be practicing self-examination and daily confession of sin at the foot of the cross. 

I will focus on gay males first, and lesbians second. One issue common in the developmental history of male homosexuals is a poor bond with the same-sex parent. Some fathers are chemically dependent, some are physically and mentally abusive to their sons, and some are abusive toward the boy’s mother. Some are just not a good role model on some dimension or another. Some fathers are not living in the home and not available to their sons. Some are gone a lot due to their jobs or military service. Some are unavailable due to illness (12). 

It is not always the parent’s fault. Sometimes the boy perceived his father as unloving, and the father simply could not figure out how to communicate love in a way his son would receive. There is a distance felt between father and son, the father cannot figure out how to bridge the gap, and the son for whatever reason decides not to let him. Sometimes a traditionally masculine father has a son who is born with a sensitive temperament, an aversion to rough and tumble play, and a lack of athletic skill. In spite of his good intentions, he just does not know how to relate to his unmacho son. A son born into a family where the men like to fix cars, hunt, fish, and play football, is headed for trouble if his basic temperament inclines him to appreciate art and music, and the father won’t accept him on those terms. 

If the son asks his father to take him to the ballet, and the father belittles him for it, that son is at risk of detaching from his father. If the father insists the boy go deer hunting with him, and it bothers the boy to shoot the deer, and the father humiliates him, that boy is at risk of detaching from his father. If the father would just step outside of his comfort zone, take the boy to events the boy is interested in just to spend time with him, the father-son bond would stay intact, and the boy might grow up to be a heterosexual artist, musician, or ballet dancer. 

If a father suspects his son is pre-homosexual, or forms that conclusion because the son has untraditional interests, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If a father with such a son wants to increase the likelihood of his son becoming heterosexual, he needs to show an interest in the boy’s art or music. At all costs he must avoid picking on the boy to “toughen him up”. This often backfires, and the chances of this boy turning out homosexual will increase. This is exactly what happened in the developmental history of so many homosexual men. If the father’s response is to just love the boy as he is, spend more time with him doing things the boy likes to do, the chances are high that the boy will turn out straight. Dr. Joe Nicolosi elaborates on this in his book “Preventing Homosexuality”. 

So why is it that so many boys with a poor father-son relationship turn out straight anyway, while some turn out same-sex attracted? Another significant milestone for the developing male is the necessity of becoming “one of the boys”. This is also in Nicolosi’s book. They need to develop same-sex peer relationships. Some boys have good relationships with their fathers but can’t become one of the boys, and they are at risk for becoming homosexuals. On the other hand, some boys have poor relationships with their fathers but adjust well with male peers. They are more likely to turn out heterosexual. Some boys have no adult male figure at all in their lives but still turn out heterosexual because they are able to become “one of the boys” and find acceptance in the world of men. There is research that indicates that same-sex peer bonding is even more significant than the father influence (13).

Unfortunately, we live in a culture where sports ability is highly prized. A boy who is small for his size, uncoordinated, or just not interested in sports can experience peer rejection for that reason. If his basic temperament causes him to shun rough and tumble play, this can also lead to peer rejection. 

Some boys are unable to find their place in the world of men and need their fathers to help them transition into it. A supportive father can help his son adjust or expose him gradually to the play of other boys so he can find his place among his peers. In the developmental history of many gay men, they did not have such support, and the other boys decided they were homosexuals and told them so, in derogatory terms. 

If the male peer group decides a boy is gay and starts shunning him and harassing him, this can create self-doubt and become a self-fulfilling prophecy. The boy begins to fear that the other boys can see something in himself that he isn’t sure about. He certainly feels their hostility and rejection, and the masculine identity becomes weaker. 

This is where the schools and youth organizations can be helpful. If schools and youth leaders discourage the kids from labeling each other as gay and putting each other down for it, and keep outcaste youth included in group activities, then that can likely prevent homosexuality from developing in at least some of our youth. Identifying any youth as gay can become a self-fulfilling prophecy in that young person’s life. 

For many pre-homosexual boys, whose fathers were unavailable for love and support, their mothers were. Some of these mothers were just doing the best they could; trying to give the love they saw the boy as needing. Some became overly dependent upon their sons because their marriages were unsatisfactory. Some joined their sons in putting down the father behind his back. Some dealt with their hurts and angers by male-bashing in the presence of their growing children, which is harmful for children of both sexes. If, because of her own wounded past, mother is uncomfortable with masculinity, she will discourage its expression (14). 

I’ve talked a lot about male homosexuals. Let’s move on to lesbians. The issues here are often parallel for lesbians. A lot of lesbians had poor relationships with their mothers. A lot of lesbians grew up in homes where females were devalued and males were overly valued. They saw their mothers being abused by their fathers, so they decided that they wanted to be nothing like their mothers. This led to a rejection of their own gender. Many lesbians also grew up in environments that lacked safety and protection. They craved protection but did not receive it. 

The fathers or surrogate fathers of many lesbians were sexually abusive. Some were contemptuous of women and expressed that verbally. Some were abusive toward the girl’s mother. Some left their pornography around the house with no respect for the girl’s modesty, and embarrassed the girl by making shaming comments about her developing body. The common denominator here is that males are perceived as selfish, unsafe, predatory, hostile, and unworthy of trust and respect. The growing girl decides “if no one is going to protect me, I will protect myself” (15). 

There is a high rate of sexual abuse in the developmental histories of many gay males, and a very high rate in the developmental histories of lesbians. Let me tell you about some research that substantiates that. One study found that 46% of gay males were molested as children by a male, and 22% of lesbians were molested as children by a female. When you include the percentage of lesbians who were molested by either a male or a female the statistics vary but I’ve seen them as high as 95%. In contrast, only 7% of heterosexual males and 1% of heterosexual females experienced same-sex molestation (16, 17, 18).

I’ve covered a lot of information on the developmental theories. I’d like to sum it all up for you. Genetics can supply a boy with small size, lack of coordination, and artistic temperament, and an introverted personality. His environment can supply him with one of two things. If he gets a supportive and nurturing father and an accepting peer group, he can find a place in the company of boys and men on his terms and turn out heterosexual no matter what vocation he chooses. Or he can feel disconnected from his father or peer group, and end up rejecting the company of boys and men and everything they stand for. This can result in sexual identity confusion that might lead to homosexual identification. 

Consider for a moment the boy with the hostile, rejecting, or absent father and peer group. What does he really need? Consider the girl with the predatory or irrelevant father, or a needy or angry mother, and the lack of protection. What does she really need? There are some who would give these hurting young people the gay lifestyle as their only option. There are some who consider it compassionate to tell them that they are gay, always will be, and might as well make the best of it. 

This is why we in the Church must never say that homosexuality is a choice. So many ssa people were told that, and their reaction is to put up a wall. They rarely experience it as a choice. They insist they were born that way because no other explanation makes sense to them. It is far more realistic to recognize that while they were not born gay, many were born into it, or rather into an environment that set them up to have these feelings.

For some, there is nothing in their environment that fits these situations. Some had great parents, were never abused, and had same-sex friends. Same-sex attractions have been described as a room with many doors leading into it, and we have not yet figured out what some of those doors are.  

I have also observed, from my experiences working with these people, that many times mere exposure to the developmental theories is enough to get them to question the “born that way” theory. I read a recent article about a couple of researchers who think the “born that way” theory will eventually go quietly into the night because it has accomplished its purpose, which was a gay rights agenda. Now that gay marriage is legal and largely accepted, they no longer have to hang onto the “born that way” theory. The developmental theories do not advance a civil rights agenda, but they do make possible individual rights to pursue a different path in life. Herein lies an opportunity for the Church. 

On the average, same-sex attracted people first became aware of their attractions by the age of 10, which is about 2 years before puberty sets in. Usually they were not happy with this realization. They do not need to be told that they have only one direction they can go with these feelings. While the pro-gay activists and social justice warriors regard themselves as having love and compassion, how it is compassionate to give a 10-year-old the gay lifestyle as his or her only option? One study showed that 50% of gay youth hated being same-sex attracted (19). Another study placed the percentage as high as 75% (20).

Adolescents are not always certain of their sexual identity according to a study done by Remafedi (21). He found that by age 12, 25.9% of adolescents were unsure of their sexual orientation. By age 17, only 5% were unsure. Of the 95% of 17-year-olds who were sure of their sexual orientation, almost 99% were certain that they were heterosexual. About 80% of the unsure 12 year olds will turn out heterosexual if nothing happens to change that. In other words, the sexuality of 25% of our 12 year old will be “up for grabs” in the next 5 years of their lives. 

It is not unusual for a boy to go through a homosexual phase or have some same-sex attractions during early adolescence. What he really needs is some facts and reassurance, and he will likely come out straight. But these days we have people who would tell a sexually confused youth that he might be gay. There are people who would encourage sexually confused youth to experiment with homosexual activity. There are people who encourage sexually confused youth to pair up with an adult homosexual mentor. Young people who accept this advice are likely to sexually “imprint” on someone of the same sex, and their same-sex attractions will be reinforced. Some of this advice is being promoted in the public schools on your tax dollar. 

Other research shows that about half of same-sex attracted male teenagers are no longer same-sex attracted as adults. A high percentage of same-sex attracted male 16-year-olds will be exclusively heterosexual by the time they are 17 years old (22). 

When dealing with public education, the taxpayers and parents need to be wary of research that distorts. One area where conclusions have been distorted is the research on suicide among gay teens. There is a higher rate of suicide among gay teens, and this is frequently blamed on society’s lack of acceptance of gay people. 

What they don’t tell you is that some researchers did a comparison study of homosexual teens and compared the ones who attempted suicide to the ones who did not. What they found was that the suicidal gay teen was more apt to have divorced parents, more apt to have been sexually abused, more apt to be using chemicals, more apt to have been arrested, more apt to be practicing prostitution, and more apt to be regarded as feminine by his peers. The earlier a teen is identified as gay, the more likely he is to attempt suicide. The earlier he begins to be sexually active, the more likely he is to attempt suicide. Also, 1/3 of the youth in his research group expressed that they hated being gay (23).

If a self-identified gay teen is suicidal, the most important thing a mental health worker can do is ask him about his home life, his sex life, and his chemical use. He does not need to be affirmed as a homosexual. If he is in his early teens, with good help and support, he will very likely find he is straight by the age of 17. 

This leads to a research question I would like to see answered: does telling a young person that he or she is born gay and has no choice in the matter a factor that contributes to suicidal feelings? Someone ought to get a research grant and answer the question. I think I already know the answer. 

We can see from the developmental theories that homosexual feelings and behaviors are driven by unmet needs. Homosexuals often come from backgrounds of hurts, and the homosexual fantasies and behaviors are a means of seeking relief from the pain. But since the real root issues aren’t being dealt with, any relief is very temporary. What begins as an attraction can become addiction. I see homosexuality as a defense mechanism to deal with pain and anger, and like any defense mechanism, it only works for so long. A book that does a good job of describing homosexuality as an addictive process is “Feathers of a Skylark” by Dr. Jeffrey Satinover (24). 

So with the developmental theories in mind, it isn’t hard to see what we can all do to help prevent homosexuality from developing in children and to encourage heterosexual development. 

Father, hug your sons! There is a saying that women hug and men shake hands. We need to get rid of that. There are boys out there starving for a hug from their fathers. There are men who say, “If only my father had told me just once that he loved me, just once given me a hug, I would have turned out differently.” Without that physical affection from the father, too many boys are left vulnerable to physical attention from predatory men who may not have their best interests at heart. 

Mothers need to let go. If she needs nurturing for herself, she needs to find it somewhere else and stay in the parental role with her children. No matter how angry she is at the men in her life, she needs to bite her tongue and stop male-bashing, especially in front of her growing sons and daughters. 

Men need to refrain from belittling women and show respect. We need to encourage chivalrous behavior and attitudes even if the culture isn’t on board with it. If the Church doesn’t practice chivalry and respect, we will soon find it completely eroded from our culture, to the detriment of both sexes. It has become very common on TV programs for men and women to disrespect each other. It is up to parents to decide if their kids need to watch such shows or see their parents laughing at them. 

We need to tell teenagers the truth. They need to know about the developmental theories; and they need to know that if they have same-sex attractions, they have alternatives other than getting into the gay lifestyle. For many of them, their feelings are likely to change in the next year or so of their lives, unless they make choices that reinforce same-sex attractions. 

Sexual abuse needs to be prevented and stopped. Every child should grow up feeling safe. Good treatment needs to be made available to victims and offenders alike. 

We need to keep in mind that minor-attracted adults are also not “born that way”, and that treatment for them needs to consider their developmental issues, also. There are many minor-attracted adults who do not offend, but it is very difficult for these well-intentioned men, who are experiencing the uninvited dilemma of feeling attracted to minors, to find treatment for their issues unless they break the law and are adjudicated. 

Pedophiles needs to know that they also can overcome their temptations and sexual addictions. We have been told that pedophiles cannot be rehabilitated, but the faith-based approaches have not yet received a fair hearing in our current culture. Some of us are seeking avenues for changing that (25). I’ll be coming back to this issue in a while. 

Single parents need to conscientiously seek good role models of both sexes for their children. Children being raised by a single mother need a good male role model, and children being raised by a single father need a good female role model. Often the children will find good role models for themselves because of an instinctual sense of what they are missing; all the parent has to do is make the relationship possible, support that relationship, and show respect to the role model who is sharing positive time and attention with that child. 

We need to start being sensitive to the needs of single parents. They may not show it openly, but often they feel guilty about having kids out of wedlock or getting divorced, and not having a good father in the home. They need the Church to be a safe place to confess sin and seek redemption in Christ. That will only happen when we in the Church uproot our hidden sins and become transparent before God. The Church should get a reputation for being a place with an abundance of good mentors for children. There is no reason that men cannot teach Sunday School or co-teach a class with their wives. It may be the only chance some children get all week to see men and women treating each other with love and respect. With so many children experiencing “father hunger” in our culture, Sunday School could be a potential mission field if the men would get involved. 

If homosexuality is not prevented, and someone decides they don’t want to be gay or they want to quit, what kind of treatment is available to them? Various terms have been used. I do not like the term “conversion” therapy, because we all need to be converted. I do not like the term “reparative” therapy either, because we all need repair. I used to call that kind of counseling “re-orientation”, but that implies that the goal is to change a gay person into a straight person. If someone wants to make that their goal, there are therapists available who are doing good work to facilitate re-orientation, and that should be the clients’ choice. 

But in Church we should not make heterosexual feelings a priority. To do so sends the same-sex attracted person the wrong message. There is a saying among ex-gays that the opposite of homosexuality is not heterosexuality; the opposite of homosexuality is holiness. The goal is overcoming temptation, getting closer to Jesus, and accepting His will for the individual’s life, which may or may not include opposite-sex attractions and marriage. 

I need to start dispelling two myths about what is involved in overcoming. We have been falsely accused of using physical force or coercion, and that is a blatant lie. Second, no one overcomes same-sex attractions by being told to go out on dates with a person of the opposite sex. Most of them have already tried that. Lack of dating is not the problem, and finding a date is not the solution. And some of these same-sex attracted people are hiding their problems in opposite-sex marriages. 

I am a member of an organization called National Association of Research and Therapy of Homosexuality. It is a secular organization open to all faiths and worldviews, and consists of psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, pastoral counselors, and others in the mental health profession who believe homosexuality is a changeable condition and that the client has the right to seek the change process with a professional willing to work with him or her to that end. 

NARTH is doing good work, and I find their journal articles helpful. Good research is being done and published. But these days I deal with this only through the Keys program. Having said that, I will explain some of what is involved in overcoming, and when I explain the Keys program, I will explain how the Keys addresses the underlying issues from a Biblical perspective. 

  There are a number of issues that are dealt with when same-sex attracted people seek to overcome. Childhood issues need to be dealt with, especially the bond with the same-sex parent. Dealing with issues with the opposite sex parent needs to occur later. This may or may not involve an actual attempt at dialogue with this parent. The ssa person in therapy needs to identify the messages received while growing up, rethink those messages, work though the hurts they experienced growing up, grieve losses, vent anger, and learn not to react to messages and situations that trigger negative reactions. This is not at all that different from therapy for other issues that have their roots in childhood. There is nothing unusual or mysterious or frightening here. None of this is coercive, and people need to be told what they are getting into (26). 

Part of recovery is to develop same-sex friendships that are non-sexual. Heterosexual friends of one’s own age can provide a sense of being “one of the boys” or “one of the girls”. Heterosexual older people who are mature and stable can provide some of what was not received from the same-sex parent. Younger people are to be protected and mentored. Churches should be a good place for this to happen.

Thought-stopping can be learned to stop negative thoughts and sexual fantasies in the first frame, before they lead to the negative mental states that lead to acting out. A lot of cognitive re-structuring needs to be done about habitual negative thoughts. The root thoughts I so often see include self-pity, envy, resentment, cynicism, and a superior attitude. I’d like to elaborate on each of these (draw the tree). 

The self-pity and envy come from a sense of feeling inferior to the other members of one’s own sex. The developing child wants to fit into the peer group, and envies the other children who seem to effortlessly fit in, who seem to possess that indefinable and elusive something we call “masculinity” or “femininity”. There is an intense envy of the other boys or the other girls, and feelings of self-pity for not measuring up to the rest of the peer group.

Needless to say, those painful feelings are going to be dealt with in one way or another. It is common for homosexual adults to feel superior to heterosexuals, and spend a portion of their time thinking about the ways in which they are superior. Homosexual men may be very proud of their ability to experience feelings that seem to simply go over the heads of the average heterosexual male. Lesbians may feel very superior to heterosexual women, whom they sometimes judge as being clinging vines who sleep with the dominant gender simply to gain benefits for themselves. Lesbians also tend to feel superior to men. 

There is nothing wrong with a man being artistic or musical, or a woman being able to fix her own car. The problem is when that becomes a basis for feeling superior to other people, and not acknowledging the hidden root of inferiority that one is defending oneself against. The real need a person has is to give up the superior attitude toward others while overcoming the inferior attitude towards oneself. 

I mention cynicism because cynicism tends to arise out of a lack of trust. The cynic assigns the worst motives to the actions of others. It comes out of a deep-seated anger, and a determination to never get hurt again. The cynic is hostile toward a world he or she perceives as hostile. The cynic wears mud-colored glasses and complains because the whole world looks like mud. Part of good recovery is learning to identify who is worthy of one’s trust and then being able to give it. Church can be a good place to find this. 

Part of cynicism is having one’s feelers out, quick to collect injustices. When challenged on this, people will often tell you that this is how they operate in order to never get hurt again. But when you really look at it, having your feelers out guarantees that you will get hurt again. It seems a contradiction in terms, but when people quit putting out feelers and quit collecting injustices, they end up less hurt. 

But the biggest issue that ssa people, and not only them, but lots of people, need to deal with is resentment. I’d like to explain the difference between anger and resentment. Anger is focused on present-tense issues, and as time goes by, one gets over it. Resentment comes from a sense of being powerless. Anger provides a temporary sense of power, but if the original problem is not dealt with, more and more anger will be used to keep coping with the underlying sense of powerlessness. Anger rehearsed over and over becomes addictive, and like any addiction, the good feelings diminish and the bad feelings take over. A resentful person feels powerless over the resentment; there is a compulsion to continuously rehearse over and over the wrong that has been done. There is a fantasy of receiving some kind of compensation from the person who wronged them. There is fantasy that if the perfect revenge could just be played out, or if the person could be made to see just how much pain they have caused, somehow that would be the compensation and the wound would close and the resentment would come to an end. 

Giving all this up and learning to live without it takes time. Resentment, envy, self-pity, etc., are issues that all addicts have to deal with. The path of forgiveness is the way to heal resentment. Homosexuals have a lot of people in their lives to forgive: their parents, their peers, their abusers, former partners, the list goes on. Forgiveness is not something to be taken lightly. Time does not allow me to elaborate on this fully. For those of you who wish to explore it further, there is an excellent book by David A. Seamands entitled “Healing for Damaged Emotions”. You should be able to find it in a Christian bookstore or on-line book service. 

Thinking painful thoughts leads to painful emotions. With so many issues of envy, self-pity, resentment, cynicism, and hidden feelings of inferiority, is in any wonder that in the gay community there are higher than average incidences of depression, anxiety, chemical abuse, and suicide? This occurs even in places where the acceptance of homosexuality is very high and the stigma attached to it very low, such as New Zealand and Holland (27). 

You cannot help a recovering homosexual if you are hanging onto your own envy and self-pity. You cannot help a recovering homosexual if you cover your feelings of inferiority with an attitude of superiority, and put the worst interpretation on the actions of others. You certainly cannot help if you harbor grudges, bitterness, and resentments of your own. The people who can help are the ones who have let the Holy Spirit examine them thoroughly, who have let Him haul out their garbage and dump it all at the foot of the cross, who are alert to their own sinful nature and their constant need for God’s mercy, and who are willing to continuously confront their sins on a daily basis. 

With this in mind, it shouldn’t be difficult to find common ground at the foot of the cross. We are all sinners. In I Corinthians 6, verses 9 & 10, we find greedy and gossipy people lumped in with the homosexuals. Let me read it to you “Do you not know the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived, neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, shall inherit the kingdom of God.” And the Apostle goes on to say, “…and such WERE some of you”. This is the banner verse of the modern ex-gay movement. It could be the banner verse for any of us. There were ex-gays in the early Christian church, and the Apostle Paul knew who they were. He lumped them in with people whose sins were common and socially acceptable. We ALL need redemption in Christ, with no exceptions. Our common ground is this: we are all sinners, and need the same Ransom that was paid on the cross for all of us. 

I strongly advise people not to go out on dates while in recovery. If the date goes badly, the gay lifestyle will look that much better. Only after a same-sex attracted man becomes comfortable with his masculine self should he start dealing with issues with women. The reverse is true for lesbians. Dealing with trust issues does not have to lead to courtship or marriage. A special friend of the opposite sex appearing in one’s life can be helpful. Pushing oneself to deal with the opposite sex is likely to backfire; opposite sex attractions have to be left to unfold at their own pace.  

There are physical issues to be dealt with as well. Some homosexual men have feelings of rejection toward their own bodies. Among gay males, having the right body type is highly prized, and if one does not have that, there is a lot of rejection. Some recovering gay men find it very helpful to work out and feel their own power for the first time. Some recovering gay men find it very helpful to have a straight male friend be a personal trainer and support them as they work out. 

I would like to take some time to discuss the research on the change process. In 1997, NARTH did its own survey of ex-gays. Before therapy, 68% of respondents defined themselves as gay. After therapy, 13% defined themselves as gay. They also felt their self-esteem was raised by therapy (28). A general rule of thumb is that of people who attempt the change process, 1/3 report no change. These people usually drop out early and their level of motivation is questionable. Another 1/3 overcome homosexuality and consider themselves heterosexual. About 1/3 reduce the intensity and frequency of their homosexual attractions, and consider that to be an improvement in their lives.

Sometimes we in the Church are guilty of treating marriage as if it is superior to the single life. But marriage is not for everybody. In I Corinthians 7, Paul makes it clear that he did not rate the single Christians as second-class, so why should we? Some of the men I have worked with have gotten married to women. Others are content to be single, celibate, and happy. As one gentleman asked, “What is wrong with celibacy?”  Another one commented that celibacy is a huge improvement over how he used to live. 

For several years most of the research on overcoming was done by NARTH members and supporters. A few years ago, Dr. Robert Spitzer, a Columbia University psychiatrist, came out of the APA convention hall to be confronted on the sidewalk by ex-gay picketers holding up signs that asserted the individual’s right to change his or her sexual orientation. Dr. Spitzer, being an open-minded man, decided to go over and talk to them. He was evidently impressed with what they had to say because he decided to do a big research project, now known as the Spitzer Report.

He interviewed 200 people who had gone from gay to straight and had sustained change for 5 years or longer. He did a structured telephone interview to contrast what they were like before they changed compared to what they were like 5 years after the change. He assessed sexual orientation on a scale of 1-100. His questions pertained to dimensions of sexuality including fantasies, attractions, looking lustfully, masturbation, romantic feelings, and sexual acts. He decided beforehand that he would consider a 10 point change to be significant. What he found were changes of 60-80 points, depending upon which specific dimension he was looking at and which gender was being studied. In other words, he found the average subject of the study moving from the high homosexual end of the scale to the high heterosexual end of the scale. 

When asked the reason for wanting to change sexual orientation, the most common answer was that the gay lifestyle was not emotionally satisfying. The promiscuity and co-dependent relationships along with jealousy were causing pain and motivating change. Religious conflicts was the second most common answer. Getting married or staying married was another major reason. 

Re-orientation therapy has been falsely accused of causing depression. But Dr. Spitzer found that it actually caused a large decrease in the respondent’s depression (29) 

Dr. Spitzer has since tried to retract his research. But according to the standards of the mental health profession, once research has been peer-reviewed and published, it cannot be retracted unless new research proves it to be wrong or some flaw was found in the research methods. Dr. Spitzer was in his 80’s, had Parkinson’s Disease, and had been under intense pressure from the gay community to recant his research. Finally he caved in, and stated that his 200 research subjects had been lying. 

In other words, he claimed that all 200 subjects had lied. We did not lie. I was a subject in his study. At the time, I appreciated Dr. Spitzer giving a voice to the voiceless, and I enjoyed my telephone interview with him. He seemed respectful and sincere. After the research project was published, all of us subjects received a copy of his article. When I read the data, it was like looking into a mirror. The numbers I had given Dr. Spitzer were very close to the averaged numbers that other subjects had given him. In other words, my experience of overcoming ssa was pretty close to normal, and I realized I was part of something much bigger. 

Also, I used to get depressed every year. I have not had an episode of depression since I went through the Keys program myself, and that was 25 years ago. Gay activists repeatedly state that re-orientation therapy will result in gay people becoming depressed, self-hating, and suicidal. Nothing could be further from the truth. 

Research about therapy to overcome same-sex attractions has been subjected to several double standards, which no other form of therapy has ever been expected to meet. I will deal with several of these. 

The objection is made that change efforts are not always successful, and therefore ought not to be pursued. Counseling for alcoholism or depression isn’t always successful, either, but the mental health field doesn’t let that stop them from continuing to accept alcoholic or depressed clients. 

The objection is also made that homosexuality is not a mental disorder and therefore there is no need to treat it. Marital discord is not a mental disorder, either, but marriage counseling is widely available. Again, in spite of marital counseling, people sometimes end up divorced anyway, but no one is promoting legislation to stop counselors from offering marriage counseling. 

The objection is also made that ex-gays sometimes relapse and become ex-ex-gays. This is cited as evidence that re-orientation therapy is ineffective. Recovering drug addicts sometimes relapse, but no one is starting a movement to close rehab centers. 

Also, the criteria for recovery of ex-gay people is set at higher levels than anyone else who has been in counseling ever has to meet. If an alcoholic has an occasional urge to drink, that is expected, but if an ex-gay person has an occasional same-sex lustful thought, however fleeting, he is told he has not really changed. People who have been in marriage counseling may have an occasional quarrel, but nobody tells them that the marriage counseling is thereby proven to be ineffective, and that they should just give up and get divorced. 

I’d like to say another word about ex-ex-gays. As we all know, people sometimes fall away from the Lord. However, I have sometimes worked with people who could probably called triple-ex-gays: they did some recovery, relapsed, and have since come back to the Lord and are now working on their issues at a deeper level than before. 

I’ve seen three factors in the earlier recovery efforts of triple-ex-gays. First, during their earlier attempts, they seemed unwilling to face the pain they had hidden for so long. Second, some were just trying to change the outward behaviors rather than deal with deeper issues, and that did not work for long. The third reason is most significant; there seems to have been an element of legalism in their thinking, a motivation to change based on a need to impress God with how good they were, rather than seeing themselves as pardoned sinners responding to Grace. 

One gentleman I worked with for a while could never really grasp the mercy of God. He attended very legalistic churches, and seemed to feel some compulsion to go there. After a while, he decided to attend a liberal ELCA church that affirmed homosexuality. He based his decision on legalistic arguments: since we no longer stone people for various sins, the Biblical prohibitions against homosexuality no longer apply either. My response was to keep bringing talking points back to the mercy of God. 

The last time I saw him he had again completely reversed himself. He had decided that there is no way he could have been born gay. He had found a church that finally got across to him that he can be saved only and entirely by the mercy of God in Christ as a free gift. About 11 months after I last saw him, he got married to a lady. 

Another objection is made that providing therapy to help homosexuals change will increase the stigma attached to homosexuality. Yet we provide therapy to married couples in spite of the stigma attached to divorce, and we provide counseling to drug addicts in spite of the stigma attached to addiction. The greatest volume of requests for help that I am personally receiving from ssa people are coming from prisons where the level of stigma is very low, gay sex is accepted provided the authorities don’t catch them at it, and where the prison psychologists and sometimes the chaplains tell them it is normal. 

The ones seeking to overcome tell me that they are motivated to change because they have come to the realization that this lifestyle is against God’s will for them. Some of them are brand-new Christians who are reading the Bible for the first time. The Holy Spirit doesn’t need social stigma to do His work in the gay community. 

I’d like to tell you about a gentleman who called me for help several years ago. He was living with his same-sex partner in a suburb of a large city, they co-owned a nice house, they had good jobs and a good income, neither was drinking to excess or using drugs, there was no violence in the relationship, and they were relatively well-adjusted, stable people. The gay lifestyle seemed to be working out just fine for him. 

But someone shared the Gospel with this man. The Gospel changed everything. He came under conviction that the only way to receive salvation was through the mercy of God in Christ. He could no longer be comfortable in the gay lifestyle. He moved into the guest bedroom of the house that he shared with this other man, and this other man wasn’t very happy with the change. 

Someone once asked me what was so bad about my life that I felt I had to overcome bisexuality. Aside from the fact I was full of envy, self-pity, resentment, etc., it wasn’t so bad. But the mercy of God in Christ shone so much more brightly. 

So if the opportunity to overcome same-sex attractions was widely available, and there were plenty of professional and non-professional mentors who knew how to be helpful, how many same-sex attracted people would take advantage of the opportunity to change? The intensity of the anti-change propaganda leads me to believe that some people are fearful of the answer. 

So what are some things that we as a Church can do? I’ve already mentioned some, and have a few things to add. 

First, we need to deal with our own sins. We say that we confess our sins of “thought, word, and deed”, but how many of us have seriously and intentionally examined ourselves throughout the day on a minute by minute basis and confessed our negative and ungodly thoughts as they come up? And yet that is precisely what we are expecting same-sex and minor-attracted people to do. 

I frequently share Romans 12:2 and 2 Corinthians 10:5 with overcomers. Giving up self-pity, envy, resentment, cynicism, and that attitude of superiority, all go a long ways toward diminishing the negative emotions that lead to temptation. Much of overcoming any besetting sin involves being mindful of our thoughts and being transparent before God. We want gay people to give up their sins, but when we ask them to do that, we are asking them to learn to be mindful of their thoughts and keep turning themselves inside out before God. We cannot help others if we have not overcome those negative thoughts in ourselves. We cannot ask others to do what we will not do. 

We have to stop putting homosexuality in a special category. Ssa people are quick to see the hypocrisy of that attitude, particularly when premarital sex among heterosexuals is now common. 

It is not our place to get into arguments about the Law. Gay people expect that. They are prepared for it. If you try to quote the texts from Leviticus, they will ask you if you eat pork and shellfish, if you wear wool and linen at the same time, etc. They love the legalistic arguments, so don’t argue about the Law. Keep bringing talking points back to the mercy of God in Christ as a free gift. Romans 3:20 assures us that “No human being will be justified in God’s sight through the works of the Law, for through the Law comes the knowledge of sin.” It goes on to tell us that “The righteousness of God has been revealed apart from the works of the Law . . . the righteousness of God through faith in Christ Jesus . . . they are justified by His Grace as a gift, through the redemption which is in Christ Jesus.”

I think as Lutherans we have been told that we must first break people with the Law before we can talk about the mercy of God. That certainly is what Martin Luther told us. But let me ask you something. How do you know whether or not someone has been broken under the Law? I was broken under the Law for years before anyone knew it – before I even knew it. I covered myself with a cocky attitude, acted tough, and was totally committed to career success. I was a feminist and a liberal. So often we are tempted to respond to people based on the image they project. Do we really know what is happening on the inside? 

Gay people have already gotten plenty of Law. When someone tells you your faults, your first reaction is to become argumentative and defensive. The Law of God is already written on our hearts; Romans 2:15 tells us so. The Gospel puts cracks in people’s walls. But so often gay people have heard that they are abominations. 

It is tempting to hurl the fury of the Law at defensive people. But when people get defensive, it is safer to assume the fury of the Law is doing its work. All the Law ever did was make me feel hopeless and frustrated. I knew something was wrong with me, but I had no idea what to do about it or even where to start. Isn’t that what often happens to you when you are confronted? We are so quick to defend ourselves and yet are surprised when others do the same. 

Only the word of Grace can begin to put cracks in the walls. It was a Word of Grace that brought my walls crashing down. I finally knew what my problem was, and what to do about it. Grace implies the Law. Jesus in the Great Commission told us to preach His Gospel, not Moses’ Law. If you have to chance to speak a word of Grace and are not permitted to go further, you have done your job. Trust God to use it. 

There is no point in convincing someone of their sin if they have no idea what to do about it. Most people cannot even admit to sin in their lives until they know what to do about it. Even the Philippian jailer in Acts 16 realized that salvation was an option; he just needed to find out how to get it. I had a call a few years ago from a lady whose brother had come out as gay. His whole family got into a long-winded argument to prove to him from the Bible that he was sinning. Finally he gave up and said, “Okay, so I am sinning, what can I do about it?” And that entire family of Missouri Synod Lutherans had no idea how to minister Grace to this man. 

Let me unpack the meaning of the word “abomination” in Leviticus 18:22. The rabbis over 2000 years ago believed that the Hebrew word was an acronym for the words which translate “you have been led astray by this cohabitation” (30). Jesus and Paul would have accepted that. Jesus’ audiences would have known that. Perhaps this is why Paul put homosexuality in the same category as a number of more common sins. Pre-marital sex is a sin no matter which gender you happen to do it with. 

Gay people have already heard about Sodom and Gomorrah. We need to learn to see the mercy of God in every passage of Scripture. Please keep in mind that for the sake of 10 righteous, God would have spared Sodom and Gomorrah. Abraham pleaded with God to spare Sodom and Gomorrah; we also should be interceding on behalf of the gay community (Genesis 18:22-33) Jesus makes two separate references to these cities, and indicates that He did not consider them beyond the reach of His Gospel (Matthew 10:15 & 11:23-24). 

Keep the focus on the mercy of God, which we ALL need. Don’t get focused on the specific nature of their sin when reaching out to someone. Be alert to hidden legalism in the person’s thinking. This often takes the form of boasting about what a nice, good people they are. That makes them a good neighbor, but it doesn’t make any one of us righteous before God. Make it clear that you place no confidence in your own good deeds, and that they are only done out of gratitude. What good deed can any one of us bring before a Holy God?

Be alert for attitudes that show a distorted image of God, and be sure you are free of those yourself. Many people tend to project onto God the attributes they saw in their 

parents growing up. Many ssa men tend to see God as the punishing father rather than the 

gracious Atonement on the cross. You can’t push the message of Grace Alone too much!

Refuse to accept any definition of the word “Christian” other than a “penitent sinner relying only and entirely on the mercy of God and the merits of Jesus”. Plenty of people call themselves Christians, but never repent of anything. Many gay people have had no exposure to real Christians. At gay pride parades, people show up holding up signs telling them “turn or burn”, “you’re going to hell”, etc., and they think that is what Christianity is. Or they think Christians are like angry conservative talk show hosts. Is it any wonder gay people don’t want anything to do with the Church? We need to show them the real thing. 

Several years ago, in 2012, I attended a large gathering of ex-gays, at which, I might add, there was a large proportion of young people. Someone told me that the young people start experimenting with gay sex earlier, and get disillusioned with it earlier. At one point I was walking back to my dorm room from the convention hall, and was a few yards behind a group of young gay people, also returning to the dormitory. One of them said to the others, “Do you suppose this is the real Christianity, and not those people holding up signs at parades?” I wish I could have gotten into that conversation. I still pray for those kids. 

Don’t be afraid to invite ssa people into your home. Don’t worry if your child likes the person and climbs onto his or her lap. The biggest danger to your kids are your heterosexual male friends. 

If you are a hugger, don’t be afraid to give hugs. If one of your friends tells you that she is a lesbian, and you stop giving her hugs, she will be hurt. If you hug every person in the room except the one you know is a lesbian, she will be hurt. These are people who have experienced a great deal of rejection all their lives, and there is no need to add to it. 

Confront gay theology if it comes up. It’s based on self-will and proof-texting. It seeks righteousness under the Law by lowering the standards, but that still keeps people under the Law where there is no righteousness to be found. It also involves projecting their own feelings onto the Biblical characters, such as Paul, David and Jonathan, and the Apostle John. Be matter-of-fact about the sin, and keep bringing the focus back to the mercy offered in Christ apart from the works of the Law, which is the only way to be righteous before God.

Your sincerity may be tested by attempts to shock you with descriptions of the extent of their sins. You cannot help others if you react emotionally to their confessions. At the same time, you don’t have to listen to intimate details or tolerate bad language in your home or church. Keep giving the reassurance that however great our sins, Jesus is a greater Savior. 

If you encounter a homosexual who has just experienced the break-up of a relationship, be alert. This may be a time of great receptivity to considering a life lived under God’s Grace. This is also the time when gay people are most likely to attempt suicide (31). Seek help if you are not prepared to deal with this. It is perfectly okay to be sensitive to the pain of the break-up; while there was sin in the relationship, there was also good that can be acknowledged. Criticizing the former partner won’t help, and allowing the person to grieve is helpful in overcoming the attachment. 

One of the lesbians I worked with told me her testimony. Her partner had just dumped her. She was wallowing in grief and self-pity. Her Christian neighbors knocked on her door and said that they had an extra ticket to a Christian concert. She agreed to go. She heard the Gospel for the first time. The musician gave an altar call. My friend went into the restroom and cried for a while, and then went back to the auditorium and accepted Christ. 

Lesbians are usually into feminism. Only confront that worldview with respect. Lack of respect is how they came to those views, and ridiculing them will only drive them deeper into them. I have no idea what some Christians hope to accomplish through ridiculing other’s views and then excusing it by saying they were only joking. Get honest about any hostility and bitterness you feel toward people with different worldviews. You should have no difficulty finding Biblical examples of God protecting women, honoring women, and punishing men who threatened them. 

Christian men can demonstrate how Jesus has called them to lead by serving, rather than being served. I doubt if I could have given up feminism if I had not had a chance to see godly servant-leadership on the part of the men in my church. Christian women need to show how a husband’s servant-leadership blesses the family. Secular people are clueless about this seeming contradiction in terms, so let them see a family where husband and wife love and honor each other and children are a high priority. Some have never seen it before, and when they do, they are amazed. 

An overcomer should never be without someone to call if they feel tempted. The number 1 reason for relapse is loneliness. One of the biggest fears recovering same-sex attracted people have is that they will accept celibacy, never develop heterosexual feelings, and will end up alone. But as one ex-gay man stated, this should never be a problem if the Church is doing its job. 

Expect long period of emotional dryness if the door on homosexuality has been shut but the new identity has not yet had time to solidify. Part of the genius of Alcoholics Anonymous is pairing a newly recovering person with someone more experienced in the program. Anyone who has overcome an addiction can be a good support person for someone recovering from ssa, whether their addiction was chemicals, pornography, gambling, etc. However, the support person should preferably be of the same gender. 

If your church has an accountability support group for men, the ssa/ma men should be just as welcome there as the straight men. The ground is level at the foot of the cross. However, an ex-gay LCMS pastor told me that in his experience, the same-sex attracted men in the church are the ones who start an accountability group, and later, as they see the changes, the straight men approach the same-sex attracted men and ask them for help overcoming their addictions to affairs and pornography. The gay men become the go-to men – how cool is that?

If they are willing to be under the Word, let them serve. They might be talented musicians or gourmet cooks. They might have a special heart for kids with low self-esteem, who encounter peer rejection, or who have troubled home lives. 

There are already minor-attracted adults teaching Sunday School or working with kids in other capacities. If someone in this capacity confesses to his pastor that he has these attractions, removing him from his office may do more harm than good unless he asks to be removed. He confessed because he wanted to get his feelings off his chest. As long as he is willing to be under the Word, is otherwise solid, has ways to cope with his feelings without acting upon them, and accepts accountability, leaving him in his office might be best. 

The first minor-attracted adult I worked with even helped with the opening exercises at the Sunday School in his church. The kids just loved him. There were other teachers in the room when he was there. The pastor knew about his problem; in fact, the pastor had visited the minor-attracted man when he was in jail for possession of child pornography. Everyone in town knew about it. But when he started to attend this church after getting out of jail, the people accepted him, included him, invited him to their homes, and treated him like they would anyone else.

If a minor-attracted adult confesses that he lives in fear that he may molest a child, discretely replacing his office with someone else may be better. There is also an on-line forum for Christian men who are minor-attracted, who hold each other accountable for not offending, and who can give good advice and support to help maintain a commitment to celibacy. 

But under no circumstances should the minor-attracted adult be rejected or exiled. It is my observation that isolation makes a minor-attracted adult far more dangerous to society than social inclusion. In isolation, his fantasy life may go through the roof, and his desire for any contact with another human being may drive him to dangerous behavior. What he needs more than anything else is to get his need for friendship met by other men his own age. Church should be a place to get love, friendship, belonging, loyalty, and people to pray with him and walk alongside him. 

We have not solved the social problem of child molestation by exiling the offenders. If a minor-attracted adult has crossed the legal lines and offended, he still should be in our churches as another sinner in need of God’s mercy. This applies to prison chapels as well as churches on the outside. After receiving salvation, what he most needs is to form healthy friendships with adult Christian men, who can fill his needs for male bonding in the way God intended. If a minor-attracted adult has been adjudicated and is under probation, his probation officer has already set very stringent requirements for his encounters with children. 

Ssa/ma people in our churches need friends of both genders, and I firmly believe you cannot have too many friends. But do not set them up on dates until they have worked through their issues with both sexes, and express an interest in meeting a special friend of the opposite sex. This may or may not lead to marriage. Some people are called to the single, celibate life, and if that was okay with the Apostle Paul, it should be okay with us, too. 

We in the Church have burdened ourselves with the fear that if we are nice to someone, they will misinterpret our kindness as approval of their lifestyle. We therefore place on ourselves the burden of wearing our disapproval on our shirtsleeves. Now where in the 4 Gospels do we find Jesus wearing His disapproval on his shirtsleeves when He sat down to dinner with tax collectors and prostitutes? He didn’t, so why do we? 

If a gay person is being treated unfairly, stand up for them. No one should be fired from their job or evicted from their apartment because they are gay. If all sinners were fired from their jobs or evicted from their living space, we would all be out of work and on the streets. 

If a local business person comes out of the closet as gay, don’t quit shopping there if you have normally given him or her your business. Every business in town is owned by a sinner. I don’t go into a coffee shop to endorse a lifestyle. I go there to get a cup of coffee. 

If a gay bar opens in your town, don’t engage in any gossip or the “ain’t it awful” game. There are straight bars in your town where people drink beverage alcohol to excess, arrange sexual liaisons, and make self-destructive decisions. Sin is sin. 

We worry about the culture, but what is God calling us to do? He is calling us to examine ourselves, repent of hidden sin, forgive the people who harmed us, and to surrender self-will. What would happen if we began each day by asking, “What is my Lord’s will for me this day?” and proceed to carry it out? We want to see a revival. Are we willing to obey God now even if we see no fruit for another generation? What if the obedience we give today allows God to set something up to happen in generations we won’t live to see? 

I believe change is coming. I’ve been helping people overcome ssa since 1999, and minor-attractions almost as long. In spite of society’s changed attitudes, I continue to get requests for help and the ex-gay movement continues to grow. The majority of requests I receive are coming from prisons, where it is tolerated and treated as normal. Most of the overcomers I am working with are giving up worldly benefits when they give up homosexuality. They want to follow Jesus more. 

The Holy Spirit is hard at work. I have been contacted by people who once believed “I am gay, I am okay, and God made me this way”, but who came under conviction of sin. I read a testimony by a young man who came under conviction of sin late one night on the dance floor in a gay bar, when he was thoroughly drunk. His grandmother had never stopped praying for him. When he shared his testimony, another ex-gay man reported that almost the exact same thing had happened to him. I read about another young man who came under conviction of sin at a gay pride festival. 

Why do things like this happen? I believe it is because people are praying for the gay community. When we see these people on TV, or in the news, we should shoot up prayer for them. Anything about homosexuality in the media should serve as a prayer reminder for us to pray for their salvation. 

For better or worse, in 20 years our country will be unrecognizably different. It is my firm and sincere belief that REVIVAL WILL COME WHEN WE IN THE CHURCH ARE READY FOR IT. 

NOTES